Lemon Law - The 5 worst Dates I've ever had.

Warning: The following contains gratuitous use of the F word.

Since I’m single, I am invoking The Lemon Law, as described by Barney Stinson in episode 8 of season 1. Why? I’ve been on some absolutely atrocious dates. Of all the episodes I’ve seen so far, this is one of the best references of them. (Note: I’m in the middle of season 4). Here are my 5 worst dates in the history of my dating (Believe it or not, there are about 25 total, but these are the worst of the worst):

5. The date where the girl got so drunk that she puked on my lap. Twice. Oh did I mention she was slightly drunk when she showed up.

4. The date where she ordered a salad and I ordered a steak with a baked potato and she tried picking off my plate and I went back to my Friends days and told her “MARCUS DOESN’T SHARE HIS STEAK." (Yes this happened).

3. the blind date where the girl talked as if she was talking to an infant. you know, baby talk? Oh yes, this lasted the entire date. One painful hour long dinner. Fucking. Kill. Me.

2. The date where I got a pet name 44 seconds into the date. 44. Fucking. Seconds. I forgot my name was Marcus for two days. Oh the pet name? Angel LOVE Baby. (Don’t even know what the hell that means). 

1. The date where I got exactly three words in. She talked non stop and I learned so many uninteresting facts about her that my brain exploded halfway through the dinner. Before Dinner arrived, I told her I was “going to the bathroom," found the waitress, had her box my food up (Because let's face it, food shouldn't go to waste), paid for the meals, and left without going back to the table.

Judge all you want. I don’t care. I’m invoking Lemon Law when needed. Fact. And I’ll do it as often as necessary. I will carry these coupons around and give them out as needed. I HAVE SPOKEN!