Fear.

Fear.

I have it. All of it. Can’t even lie about it. Not sure why, but it’s been there since the day I hit “Send” on “The Last Dance” to a few of my trusted friends, you know the ones that will tell you the truth no matter what. Normally when I write something, I immediately hate it. I push it to the side and let it stew in its misery for a week or so. But this? This was different. The whole experience so far has been different.

I don’t lie, so when I say I’m scared, I mean every syllable. This is coming from a guy who went through chemo twice and wasn’t the least bit scared. Not one ounce. That to me was survival.  Deep down I knew that I was going to pull through it.

Making a quality film is a childhood dream.  Like most kids say “I want to be an astronaut,” or “I want to be a policeman,” I knew I wanted to make movies. Sure, I’ve directed things with varying levels of success and all have been learning experiences.  As with everything in life, I knew you couldn’t just run in “GUNG HO” and expect everything to be great, but that didn’t stop me from trying. You have to plan, execute, and plan more. Which, if I’m continuing this path of honesty, that is why in the past I can admit I’ve failed.  My lack of planning and my lack of execution is the reason why.  When I sat back earlier and thought about it, that was it. Boom, nailed it. It’s not that the material wasn’t any good; it was because there was an obvious lack of planning and execution of those shoots, and that lies squarely on me.

But…I’ve learned from it all.  Because if you don’t learn from your past and your mistakes, then what are we working towards in life? I’ve failed because I know that I have not done the little things to become great.

Everything I’ve done in life has seemingly led me to this moment. Right here, right now. There is no question or doubt about that. Besides being a dad, being a filmmaker is THE only thing I truly enjoy doing. So yeah, I’m fearful. I’m scared. Terrified even. But I feel terrified in a good way. I am however, afraid that with all of my planning that I will someone not live up to what “Dream Marcus” nailed flawlessly. Yes in my dreams, that dude nailed it. But also, this is a tribute to someone who meant a lot to me and I owe it to her to do the best job I can possibly do.

As we all know a team is only as good as the person leading it. And this is the first time I’ve had a team that I’ve hired that truly relies on me to know it all. For the time and effort each of them are personally contributing, I do not want to let them down. I respect each of them tremendously and they deserve my full effort.

”It’s not even about the career. I have shpilkes now and I have a career. I think it’s my fuel, basically—my nervous stomach. That’s what keeps me honest, right? And a little bit humble, in the sense that when I make a movie, I never think I have all the answers.” - Steven Spielberg

 I have always had a love of Steven Spielberg, he is THE best. He is my guy. I admire him on so many levels. 

So if he gets nervous, I can be assured that it is indeed a good thing. But the key to all of that was that he never thinks he has all the answers. And neither do I. I was told on Wednesday that if you’re not nervous that’s when you should be worried. And I suppose on anything else I’ve ever worked on, I haven’t been.

One of my favorite quotes ever happened to come from 2006’s Rocky Balboa. “You know I think you try harder when you’re scared.” Which if you think about it makes total sense, and I guess that’s why I’m trying harder than I’ve ever tried before, because I’m scared.

When this whole experience of making “The Last Dance” is over, after we as a team of artists have been dragged to so many film festivals and are tired and worn down, I’ll look back fondly at this and I will be grateful for the fear. Because without it, I know I’d still be an unprepared mid 30’s guy who expects it to “be easy.”

So yeah, I’m scared as hell, even though I don’t show it. But I know at the end of the day even though this is “The Last Dance,” for us as a team, the music is just starting to play.

Disclaimer: This may not make sense to anyone, but I have to write to clear my brain.

Dear Little Brother,

I write this not for sympathy, but as my way to talk to my brother who was tragically killed for years ago. I didn't get a chance to say goodbye, so every year I write him a letter to tell him how things shook out in the prior year.

January 23, 2009. My brother, minding his own business in his apartment, was shot 3 times as an innocent bystander in Phoenix, AZ. He died enroute to the hospital. It was about 6 weeks before his 28th birthday.  I was 24 miles away from him. Saw it on the news an hour after it happened, but since they do not release details, it did not identify him. 

HEY! What’s up Mario. Jesus. It’s been four years. 4. Long. Years. Not a day goes by where I don’t think about you. Possibly because when I talk to myself, I often imagine that you are in the room with me and telling me that “I’m stupid,” or “That’s a good idea,” OR "To shut my damn mouth."
Either way, I do think about you. So, last year or so, you missed A LOT. Let me speed catch you up on some of the things:

1. Jordan finished 2nd Grade, with all A’s. That was pretty sweet. He's gotten ginormous. Pretty funny too. You'd like him. He talks about you. How you took him fishing and stuff. That's probably his most fondest memories of you.

2. I wrote a book. Yes, a book. 1st in a series. Oh yeah, sold it too. Just have yet to receive my advance. In due time though. I’m not worried. It’s about twin superheroes.

3. In May, I woke up one Sunday, went to church and heard the greatest word ever. Basically it was “Change your life, and only you can do it.” Which prompted me to…

4. Fulfill a promise I made 4 years ago to the date, to you. That I would pursue my dream, and leave Phoenix, and give LA a real shot. So in July, I moved. So far, it’s been one hell of a ride since then.


So, little bro this is where things got a tad bit dicey…

5. In August, Mom passed away. Now I know you already know this because you guys are probably hanging out bouncing from cloud to cloud and peeking in on the rest of us from time to time, so I still have to tell you, for my sanity. Hug her for me. Tell her I miss her and stuff.

6. Jordan turned 8, the day after her funeral. He didn't ask for much. A cake, and a movie. Awesome.

7. Oh yeah, you’re not going to like this. So I apologize in advance.. I know you always wanted me to get along with Michael, but some things aren’t meant to be. KNOW that I tried my hardest, but that dude has some serious issues. He needs help, and hopefully he gets it before it's too late. I haven’t talked to him since 9-12-11. Apparently he thought I was playing when I said that would be THE last time I ever spoke to him. He calls and texts, but I do not answer. I do not regret it. So, with that, I am sorry. I tried.

8. Went to New York for the first time. That was great. I saw things I had never seen in my life. I had meetings for the book, and got some good feedback from it. Still lots of work to do. It’s a process. I even think the publishing date of 2013 is going to be pushed back.

9. Silas is good. Dad told me he sees him quite often. So all is well there. He's still my favorite nephew.

10. Me and dad aren’t as close as we used to be. Used to talk to him often, but for some reason or another, that too has changed. I feel now that you and mom are gone, I really am not close to anyone else in the family.

11. Thanksgiving and Christmas, both quiet. I spent time with Demitria and the kids but that’s about it. Most of the other time, was at my place by myself. Oh yeah, 4 years remission. You were there for my last treatment. That was pretty awesome.

12. OH MY GOD. Your favorite NFL team the Detroit Lions, were good AND they made the playoffs. That was all though. They got the living piss beat out of them by the Saints.

13. Wrote a TV pilot and shot part of it. It’s funny because I wrote it with you in mind. I imagined all of the things that you would do to me if you came back as a ghost. Pretty funny stuff.
I don’t know. I guess as the years go by it’s supposed to get easier. In some ways, it has, but then again it hasn’t. So, here’s the thing about the dude that shot you. I found out some things. He is currently serving 25 to Life. I sent my “Obligatory” letter to him, mailed it Friday and if my calculations are correct he should get it today. Doesn’t say much really. Just a lot of the same stuff year after year.

1. Facts about you.
2. How I hope life is treating him well.
3. Just because he's incarcerated doesn't mean he can't learn some things.
4. Become better everyday.

He has sent me a total of thirteen letters, but I have refused to read them. They go directly in the trash. I said my peace the day I went to meet him.

So that's it. This year is already better. The first full year in LA this year will be sweet. I am looking forward to it.I can say this, I miss you bro. Life has been crazy the last few years, but through it all, I am still standing like an oak tree. I refuse to let it get me down. I just will keep pushing forward. I carry both you and our mother close to my heart, and for you two I bill be strong. I will complete my goals this year, and I will do it with a smile on my face, whether I succeed or fail.

You take care, I'm sure we will be talking soon. I love you, forever. I know I didn't tell you that much when you were here, but know that I felt it.

I love you,
Marcus