Uncharted

Hello All,

Been a LONG while since I blogged, and really have been so busy that this blog is way overdue. Between the book, and work, and day to day stuff, just haven't had much time to write one. Today's blog title is brought to you by Sara Bareilles. Wonderful Singer. Probably one of my favorite artists at the moment. This song totally sums up how I feel at this particular stage of my life. 

Marcus 3.1.4

So with that, here goes today's blog.

 

A Fork in the Road - 

OK, it's more like a huge crater, spiraling deep into Earth, creating an abyss like no other. (Me freefalling with no parachute)

Every morning that I am blessed to wake up...I literally despise my job. Yes it is a comfy place that affords me the right to work, and a paycheck, and the flexibility that comes with it, but the work itself is something I can not see myself doing until the day I retire.

My brain hurts just thinking about my job.

Besides spending time with Jordan, the only other time I am truly happy is when I am writing or shooting a short, or anything that requires me to be "artistic." Writing to me is calming, it soothes me, it makes me happy, it's something I want to do with my life until the end.

So why do I feel as if there is a gigantic fork in the road? Why do I feel like I've reached a pre-mid life crisis? I'm really not sure. But there is a certain pressure that has been building in my brain (Jordan asked me, "Is it a tumor" and I replied in my Arnold voice "ITS NOT A TUHHHHMA") and I need to release it, like a steam engine blowing smoke out of it's smokestack as it rolls down the train tracks.

Before I ever do anything, I like to really take my time and think about things, because what I do impacts not only me, but the wonderful child I have as well. A far cry from when I left Fairbanks in 1998 and on a whim Brandon and I decided that Phoenix was the place we should go.

So on the right side of the fork, there is Phoenix, Arizona. Beautiful Arizona which I've known for roughly thirteen years. There has been some good here. Lot of good. I basically have grown up here. It's like a second home. Jordan was born here. Arizona is really the longest place I've ever lived in my life (13 years, Alaska 8). But to me, this place has a lot of bad, and I am constantly reminded of it on a daily basis. I've lived in Mesa, Tempe, Gilbert, Phoenix, and at times Scottsdale.

Overall Phoenix Grade for me up until this point: C-
     

On the left side of the fork, there is now Los Angeles, California. Wonderful Southern California. I spent a few years there in my youth as 80% of my relatives live there, and then again during my college years. It's a place that I love, mainly because the beach to me is the greatest inspiration in the world and it is very very calming to me. And the beach is free to visit (Minus the parking).


Overall California Grade for me up until this point: B (a solid B)

What I've always wanted to do, besides being a movie director, is to be a TV writer. I love the variety that TV shows bring, the characters, the directions you can take a show. Probably why I watch so many. I write spec scripts, and one day, I will be a "staff writer" on the way to being a "show runner."

So with that, I think it's time for a change, and part of it has been fueled by the fact that I've been presented with an opportunity to help others by being studied for the disease that once inhabited my body, starting in August. So that is part of the change. But the other part, is because I just flat out need one.

A Major Change. I feel that every year since 2007 I've said the same thing over and over.

"Next year I'll do it."

Next year isn't promised to anyone. A quote on Thursday morning reminded me of that:

"You may delay, but time will not." - Benjamin Franklin


Let's recap what has happened since 2008.

1. Summer 2008 - Going to leave, got diagnosed with cancer. Long summer of losing weight, and puking my guts up, oh and chemo, six long months of chemo.
2. Winter 2009 - Brother shot and killed as a innocent bystander. I drive by the location on my way to work. Every. Single. Day. A constant reminder, and emotionally, it's crippling.
3. Summer 2009 - Was going to leave, but fell in love to the woman I thought I was going to marry. 
4. Summer 2010 - Was still in love, but that didn't work out.
5. Summer 2011 - Well, there are no excuses this year.

It's very hard to make a decision with anything. I mean, I have to consult the magic 8 ball in the morning before I get dressed. In my heart, I need a change. I need something to make me feel alive, to challenge me, to give me hope that life is not supposed to be something you wake up to daily and dread the tasks ahead. I guess that's the Aquarius in me, always striving to be better, to do better, to live better. I feel I owe a lot more to Jordan than mediocrity. Everything I do, I do for him.

At the end of my life, whenever God chooses that to be, I want to be able to say that I was the best for my child that I could be and I gave him every advantage to succeed in life by being the best parent I could.

So in short, WE are leaving Arizona. For reals

July 29th, I will be loading the U-Haul, and heading west. I've done a lot here, accomplished a lot, made a ton of life long friends that I will cherish forever, while fostering my beloved relationships with my amazing High School friends. But a big part of me has always felt that California is where I need to be. I feel that what I need to accomplish is there. A small wave in a big pond. But I believe that even the smallest wave can grow and become a huge one. So overall what I'm trying to say is that I feel it's time to move on. To try new things, explore new places, and take my chances at something new and different. To pee into the wind, to try the things I want to try...because at the end of the day, we aren't promised tomorrow. 

You're only as ordinary as you choose to be. You can be regular old ordinary, or you can be EXTRA-ordinary. I'm choosing to strive for a little bit extra.