No More Mr. Nice Guy (Reprint from June 2008)

Writers Note: Back in 2008 after a string of failed relationships and subsequently being put into the infamous "Friend Zone," I decided to unleash my frustration on the world one letter at a time...

Things have changed since then, but by popular demand I have been asked to move this from Myspace to here. So with that...here goes.

The rights to the following blog...have been acquired by ESPN Classic...as it has already been deemed an Instant Classic.

Today's blog is not a blog, it's a full fledged rant and it..will not have the normal elements, intro...Pete Thought, Bridget Moment, Julie Happy Thought, Links..nothing. This will not be a pleasant rant. There is a strong use of profanity in this rant...a ton. So, if this offends you ~STOP~ here and hit your back button. I have some things I need to say and I will NOT apologize at all. I learned a lot in the last two weeks with all I have been going through and that is...life is short. I will speak my mind and if that upsets you...well...I don't know what to say.

~W~A~R~N~I~N~G~

The following blog is brought to you by the letters

~~and~~

So before I was married and subsequently divorced, I thought dating was fairly simple...you meet a girl...date, date some more, relationship, sex, blah blah blah and then you move forward in the relationship. Apparently...times have changed and I have yet to catch up to those changing times. What am I talking about? Um...apparently I have been deemed "Too Nice" to date. As in, Marcus, you are such a nice guy, I just can't date you. Too Nice!" Is there such a thing. Apparently yes. That is the NUMBER One reason that I hear from women that they cannot date me.

As of this moment...Mr Nice Guy is dead. I killed him last night buried him in a chest in my closet, and that guy is not coming back. That is no joke. Does this make me sound like a jerk, dick, ass, whatever...probably. Do I care....at this moment as I type this...NOPE.

So they can't date me, but they want to be friends with me. The old requisite "let's just be friends" line. Look if I wanted to be your friend, I would not have EVER taken you out on a date. As far as I know people still do that right? As such since the friends thing is no longer my thing, this morning I have deleted more than 15 so called "Friends" from this site and deleted them out of my phonebook. That is one less headache I have to deal with.

So backstory. I am the captain of the SS Friendship. The prime investor in the friendzone. As of today...June 18th 2008, that is no longer the case. I am taking the SS Friendship out to sea, planting Dynamite and other explosives. I am pulling up the anchor, setting sail and going to the middle of the ocean dropping the anchor willingly. I am allowing pirates to board the ship and TAKE whatever the hell they want. I will be the tiny speckle off in the distance rowing back to shore. In the friendzone...I am putting up the for sale sign and moving out of the friendzone as I don't like the real estate market there.

Now the problem with all of this is, once I am in the friendzone or aboard the friendship, that gives the "girl" the red light to dump all of her "guy problems" on me. And you know what I am sick of it. You can't date me, but you can dump your other guy problems on me? As one girl once told me, you are like my gay friend, only you don't sleep with other men. (needless to say she is no longer my friend, Insert Sentence Enhancer starting with a "B").

I am not sure what it is....I am too nice. HA! I hear things from my so called "girl-friends" about the douchebags that they date...and how bad these guys treat them, how they talk bad to them, get them pregnant and run, mentally abuse them...but apparently they like that. And then they call me and I listen to it...and now I am thinking....you get what you deserve. If you don't like it...change the channel.

Some of my guy friends firmly believe the phrase

"treat a girl like shit and she will love you for it."

I never before believed that. Not once...now, I totally am starting to. I listen to some of the stories my girl-friends tell me, and now the more I listen and analyze, it's true. No one wants the nice guy! There is a revolution going on, and the nice guy is losing. You ask, where have all the good/nice guys gone? The good/nice guy is in the hideout and he ain't coming out.

Do I sound bitter. You damn right I am. 5 times in the last year have I heard that bull shit line. Who SAYS that? Maybe it's this place...Arizona. There are more than enough women here (a 3/2 ratio of girls to guys), it's like shooting into a barrel. Only when i do shoot into the barrel I somehow get the ones at the bottom of the barrel who were shot weeks ago.

Another thing...I never want to hear the following from any woman that I meet...as I will call you a liar ..."I want the Notebook type love." I will puke on your overly expensive shoes that you feel the need to point out in the first place. First off

It ~ Does ~ Not ~ Exist

Period. Not in this day and age. There is a REASON this movie is framed in the 1940's. Times were simpler, people were simpler, and they knew what they wanted. Do not quote this movie to me again...ever. Matter of fact, my copy of this movie...is somehow going to make it's way down the toilet the MINUTE I get home today. That is not a joke.

Dave Chappelle Said it best

"Chivalry is dead....and women killed it"

I tried to bring it back...I really did. Sexy made a comeback, but Chivalry has not. I can only be me, I tried to be who I am, but apparently that is not good enough. So again..Mr Nice guy...is dead. I think Alice Cooper also said it best:

I used to be such a sweet, sweet thing
'Til they got a hold of me.
I opened doors for little old ladies,
I helped the blind to see.
I got no friends 'cause they read the papers.
They can't be seen with me and I'm gettin' real shot down
And I'm feeling mean.

No more Mister Nice Guy,
No more Mister Clean,
No more Mister Nice Guy

I would apologize for this rant...but why. Why should I apologize for this. I am tired of being a fucking doormat in relationships or with people. Where has it gotten me? Right back to square one. Yes I am pissed, I am more pissed off at this moment than I have ever been with dating. Maybe it's the women here. Maybe their brains have been fried from all of the sun exposure (I wish I could take credit for that line, but that goes to one of my great friends, she knows who she is).

But as I described to my good friend yesterday through email....relationships are like a mirage. Imagine yourself crawling through the desert and you are so thirsty...you see what appears to be an oasis...you start drinking from the water..only after a couple of mouthfuls do you realize that you have a mouthful of sand. Just...like...relationships....here in this crappy ass state of Arizona.

This is the edge. I am on it. Will I lose friends after this rant? Probably, but i don't care. That means you weren't my friend in the first place. I am fortunate to have some genuine friends in my life and they will respect me regardless of what I say. I will no longer be a doormat to ANYONE. I will not allow you to wipe your feet on me and then continue on your merry fucking way, let me lay down on a puddle while you continue on. I have feelings to.

Finally, maybe I am just too mature for the women i date. Maybe. For sure I am not like the guy from Swingers, when he met the girl he called her 15 times that first night until she answered. I wish it wasn't all so complicated, and i wish that Mr. Nice guy wasn't dead...but he is gone and he isn't coming back for the foreseeable future. Believe me, I contemplated long and hard before posting this, and this is the second time I have wrote this, so thought has gone into it.

I am leaving tomorrow and maybe a change of scenery is good. This really put me in a pissed off mood and made me think twice about relationships and dating and for the near future, I guess I won't be dating and that is the best thing. My ear is officially closed to being a listening device to other's problems.My only words of advice will be "Either work it out...or leave." My world is closed for accepting new girl-friends, I am more than happy to keep the ones I have and foster those relationships. Cynical lives here now. Sorry...yesterday opened my eyes to a whole new world.

Maybe it's time to leave the crappy state of Arizona for a place where the brains haven't been fried. I have hit the proverbial fork in the road....relationship wise. Leave comments if you'd like. Have a wonderful week.

2011 Note:

I still laugh when I read this. Lethal. some of the comments on Myspace were hilarious.