Fear.

Fear.

I have it. All of it. Can’t even lie about it. Not sure why, but it’s been there since the day I hit “Send” on “The Last Dance” to a few of my trusted friends, you know the ones that will tell you the truth no matter what. Normally when I write something, I immediately hate it. I push it to the side and let it stew in its misery for a week or so. But this? This was different. The whole experience so far has been different.

I don’t lie, so when I say I’m scared, I mean every syllable. This is coming from a guy who went through chemo twice and wasn’t the least bit scared. Not one ounce. That to me was survival.  Deep down I knew that I was going to pull through it.

Making a quality film is a childhood dream.  Like most kids say “I want to be an astronaut,” or “I want to be a policeman,” I knew I wanted to make movies. Sure, I’ve directed things with varying levels of success and all have been learning experiences.  As with everything in life, I knew you couldn’t just run in “GUNG HO” and expect everything to be great, but that didn’t stop me from trying. You have to plan, execute, and plan more. Which, if I’m continuing this path of honesty, that is why in the past I can admit I’ve failed.  My lack of planning and my lack of execution is the reason why.  When I sat back earlier and thought about it, that was it. Boom, nailed it. It’s not that the material wasn’t any good; it was because there was an obvious lack of planning and execution of those shoots, and that lies squarely on me.

But…I’ve learned from it all.  Because if you don’t learn from your past and your mistakes, then what are we working towards in life? I’ve failed because I know that I have not done the little things to become great.

Everything I’ve done in life has seemingly led me to this moment. Right here, right now. There is no question or doubt about that. Besides being a dad, being a filmmaker is THE only thing I truly enjoy doing. So yeah, I’m fearful. I’m scared. Terrified even. But I feel terrified in a good way. I am however, afraid that with all of my planning that I will someone not live up to what “Dream Marcus” nailed flawlessly. Yes in my dreams, that dude nailed it. But also, this is a tribute to someone who meant a lot to me and I owe it to her to do the best job I can possibly do.

As we all know a team is only as good as the person leading it. And this is the first time I’ve had a team that I’ve hired that truly relies on me to know it all. For the time and effort each of them are personally contributing, I do not want to let them down. I respect each of them tremendously and they deserve my full effort.

”It’s not even about the career. I have shpilkes now and I have a career. I think it’s my fuel, basically—my nervous stomach. That’s what keeps me honest, right? And a little bit humble, in the sense that when I make a movie, I never think I have all the answers.” - Steven Spielberg

 I have always had a love of Steven Spielberg, he is THE best. He is my guy. I admire him on so many levels. 

So if he gets nervous, I can be assured that it is indeed a good thing. But the key to all of that was that he never thinks he has all the answers. And neither do I. I was told on Wednesday that if you’re not nervous that’s when you should be worried. And I suppose on anything else I’ve ever worked on, I haven’t been.

One of my favorite quotes ever happened to come from 2006’s Rocky Balboa. “You know I think you try harder when you’re scared.” Which if you think about it makes total sense, and I guess that’s why I’m trying harder than I’ve ever tried before, because I’m scared.

When this whole experience of making “The Last Dance” is over, after we as a team of artists have been dragged to so many film festivals and are tired and worn down, I’ll look back fondly at this and I will be grateful for the fear. Because without it, I know I’d still be an unprepared mid 30’s guy who expects it to “be easy.”

So yeah, I’m scared as hell, even though I don’t show it. But I know at the end of the day even though this is “The Last Dance,” for us as a team, the music is just starting to play.

Disclaimer: This may not make sense to anyone, but I have to write to clear my brain.