Uncharted

Hello All,

Been a LONG while since I blogged, and really have been so busy that this blog is way overdue. Between the book, and work, and day to day stuff, just haven't had much time to write one. Today's blog title is brought to you by Sara Bareilles. Wonderful Singer. Probably one of my favorite artists at the moment. This song totally sums up how I feel at this particular stage of my life. 

Marcus 3.1.4

So with that, here goes today's blog.

 

A Fork in the Road - 

OK, it's more like a huge crater, spiraling deep into Earth, creating an abyss like no other. (Me freefalling with no parachute)

Every morning that I am blessed to wake up...I literally despise my job. Yes it is a comfy place that affords me the right to work, and a paycheck, and the flexibility that comes with it, but the work itself is something I can not see myself doing until the day I retire.

My brain hurts just thinking about my job.

Besides spending time with Jordan, the only other time I am truly happy is when I am writing or shooting a short, or anything that requires me to be "artistic." Writing to me is calming, it soothes me, it makes me happy, it's something I want to do with my life until the end.

So why do I feel as if there is a gigantic fork in the road? Why do I feel like I've reached a pre-mid life crisis? I'm really not sure. But there is a certain pressure that has been building in my brain (Jordan asked me, "Is it a tumor" and I replied in my Arnold voice "ITS NOT A TUHHHHMA") and I need to release it, like a steam engine blowing smoke out of it's smokestack as it rolls down the train tracks.

Before I ever do anything, I like to really take my time and think about things, because what I do impacts not only me, but the wonderful child I have as well. A far cry from when I left Fairbanks in 1998 and on a whim Brandon and I decided that Phoenix was the place we should go.

So on the right side of the fork, there is Phoenix, Arizona. Beautiful Arizona which I've known for roughly thirteen years. There has been some good here. Lot of good. I basically have grown up here. It's like a second home. Jordan was born here. Arizona is really the longest place I've ever lived in my life (13 years, Alaska 8). But to me, this place has a lot of bad, and I am constantly reminded of it on a daily basis. I've lived in Mesa, Tempe, Gilbert, Phoenix, and at times Scottsdale.

Overall Phoenix Grade for me up until this point: C-
     

On the left side of the fork, there is now Los Angeles, California. Wonderful Southern California. I spent a few years there in my youth as 80% of my relatives live there, and then again during my college years. It's a place that I love, mainly because the beach to me is the greatest inspiration in the world and it is very very calming to me. And the beach is free to visit (Minus the parking).


Overall California Grade for me up until this point: B (a solid B)

What I've always wanted to do, besides being a movie director, is to be a TV writer. I love the variety that TV shows bring, the characters, the directions you can take a show. Probably why I watch so many. I write spec scripts, and one day, I will be a "staff writer" on the way to being a "show runner."

So with that, I think it's time for a change, and part of it has been fueled by the fact that I've been presented with an opportunity to help others by being studied for the disease that once inhabited my body, starting in August. So that is part of the change. But the other part, is because I just flat out need one.

A Major Change. I feel that every year since 2007 I've said the same thing over and over.

"Next year I'll do it."

Next year isn't promised to anyone. A quote on Thursday morning reminded me of that:

"You may delay, but time will not." - Benjamin Franklin


Let's recap what has happened since 2008.

1. Summer 2008 - Going to leave, got diagnosed with cancer. Long summer of losing weight, and puking my guts up, oh and chemo, six long months of chemo.
2. Winter 2009 - Brother shot and killed as a innocent bystander. I drive by the location on my way to work. Every. Single. Day. A constant reminder, and emotionally, it's crippling.
3. Summer 2009 - Was going to leave, but fell in love to the woman I thought I was going to marry. 
4. Summer 2010 - Was still in love, but that didn't work out.
5. Summer 2011 - Well, there are no excuses this year.

It's very hard to make a decision with anything. I mean, I have to consult the magic 8 ball in the morning before I get dressed. In my heart, I need a change. I need something to make me feel alive, to challenge me, to give me hope that life is not supposed to be something you wake up to daily and dread the tasks ahead. I guess that's the Aquarius in me, always striving to be better, to do better, to live better. I feel I owe a lot more to Jordan than mediocrity. Everything I do, I do for him.

At the end of my life, whenever God chooses that to be, I want to be able to say that I was the best for my child that I could be and I gave him every advantage to succeed in life by being the best parent I could.

So in short, WE are leaving Arizona. For reals

July 29th, I will be loading the U-Haul, and heading west. I've done a lot here, accomplished a lot, made a ton of life long friends that I will cherish forever, while fostering my beloved relationships with my amazing High School friends. But a big part of me has always felt that California is where I need to be. I feel that what I need to accomplish is there. A small wave in a big pond. But I believe that even the smallest wave can grow and become a huge one. So overall what I'm trying to say is that I feel it's time to move on. To try new things, explore new places, and take my chances at something new and different. To pee into the wind, to try the things I want to try...because at the end of the day, we aren't promised tomorrow. 

You're only as ordinary as you choose to be. You can be regular old ordinary, or you can be EXTRA-ordinary. I'm choosing to strive for a little bit extra.

No More Mr. Nice Guy (Reprint from June 2008)

Writers Note: Back in 2008 after a string of failed relationships and subsequently being put into the infamous "Friend Zone," I decided to unleash my frustration on the world one letter at a time...

Things have changed since then, but by popular demand I have been asked to move this from Myspace to here. So with that...here goes.

The rights to the following blog...have been acquired by ESPN Classic...as it has already been deemed an Instant Classic.

Today's blog is not a blog, it's a full fledged rant and it..will not have the normal elements, intro...Pete Thought, Bridget Moment, Julie Happy Thought, Links..nothing. This will not be a pleasant rant. There is a strong use of profanity in this rant...a ton. So, if this offends you ~STOP~ here and hit your back button. I have some things I need to say and I will NOT apologize at all. I learned a lot in the last two weeks with all I have been going through and that is...life is short. I will speak my mind and if that upsets you...well...I don't know what to say.

~W~A~R~N~I~N~G~

The following blog is brought to you by the letters

~~and~~

So before I was married and subsequently divorced, I thought dating was fairly simple...you meet a girl...date, date some more, relationship, sex, blah blah blah and then you move forward in the relationship. Apparently...times have changed and I have yet to catch up to those changing times. What am I talking about? Um...apparently I have been deemed "Too Nice" to date. As in, Marcus, you are such a nice guy, I just can't date you. Too Nice!" Is there such a thing. Apparently yes. That is the NUMBER One reason that I hear from women that they cannot date me.

As of this moment...Mr Nice Guy is dead. I killed him last night buried him in a chest in my closet, and that guy is not coming back. That is no joke. Does this make me sound like a jerk, dick, ass, whatever...probably. Do I care....at this moment as I type this...NOPE.

So they can't date me, but they want to be friends with me. The old requisite "let's just be friends" line. Look if I wanted to be your friend, I would not have EVER taken you out on a date. As far as I know people still do that right? As such since the friends thing is no longer my thing, this morning I have deleted more than 15 so called "Friends" from this site and deleted them out of my phonebook. That is one less headache I have to deal with.

So backstory. I am the captain of the SS Friendship. The prime investor in the friendzone. As of today...June 18th 2008, that is no longer the case. I am taking the SS Friendship out to sea, planting Dynamite and other explosives. I am pulling up the anchor, setting sail and going to the middle of the ocean dropping the anchor willingly. I am allowing pirates to board the ship and TAKE whatever the hell they want. I will be the tiny speckle off in the distance rowing back to shore. In the friendzone...I am putting up the for sale sign and moving out of the friendzone as I don't like the real estate market there.

Now the problem with all of this is, once I am in the friendzone or aboard the friendship, that gives the "girl" the red light to dump all of her "guy problems" on me. And you know what I am sick of it. You can't date me, but you can dump your other guy problems on me? As one girl once told me, you are like my gay friend, only you don't sleep with other men. (needless to say she is no longer my friend, Insert Sentence Enhancer starting with a "B").

I am not sure what it is....I am too nice. HA! I hear things from my so called "girl-friends" about the douchebags that they date...and how bad these guys treat them, how they talk bad to them, get them pregnant and run, mentally abuse them...but apparently they like that. And then they call me and I listen to it...and now I am thinking....you get what you deserve. If you don't like it...change the channel.

Some of my guy friends firmly believe the phrase

"treat a girl like shit and she will love you for it."

I never before believed that. Not once...now, I totally am starting to. I listen to some of the stories my girl-friends tell me, and now the more I listen and analyze, it's true. No one wants the nice guy! There is a revolution going on, and the nice guy is losing. You ask, where have all the good/nice guys gone? The good/nice guy is in the hideout and he ain't coming out.

Do I sound bitter. You damn right I am. 5 times in the last year have I heard that bull shit line. Who SAYS that? Maybe it's this place...Arizona. There are more than enough women here (a 3/2 ratio of girls to guys), it's like shooting into a barrel. Only when i do shoot into the barrel I somehow get the ones at the bottom of the barrel who were shot weeks ago.

Another thing...I never want to hear the following from any woman that I meet...as I will call you a liar ..."I want the Notebook type love." I will puke on your overly expensive shoes that you feel the need to point out in the first place. First off

It ~ Does ~ Not ~ Exist

Period. Not in this day and age. There is a REASON this movie is framed in the 1940's. Times were simpler, people were simpler, and they knew what they wanted. Do not quote this movie to me again...ever. Matter of fact, my copy of this movie...is somehow going to make it's way down the toilet the MINUTE I get home today. That is not a joke.

Dave Chappelle Said it best

"Chivalry is dead....and women killed it"

I tried to bring it back...I really did. Sexy made a comeback, but Chivalry has not. I can only be me, I tried to be who I am, but apparently that is not good enough. So again..Mr Nice guy...is dead. I think Alice Cooper also said it best:

I used to be such a sweet, sweet thing
'Til they got a hold of me.
I opened doors for little old ladies,
I helped the blind to see.
I got no friends 'cause they read the papers.
They can't be seen with me and I'm gettin' real shot down
And I'm feeling mean.

No more Mister Nice Guy,
No more Mister Clean,
No more Mister Nice Guy

I would apologize for this rant...but why. Why should I apologize for this. I am tired of being a fucking doormat in relationships or with people. Where has it gotten me? Right back to square one. Yes I am pissed, I am more pissed off at this moment than I have ever been with dating. Maybe it's the women here. Maybe their brains have been fried from all of the sun exposure (I wish I could take credit for that line, but that goes to one of my great friends, she knows who she is).

But as I described to my good friend yesterday through email....relationships are like a mirage. Imagine yourself crawling through the desert and you are so thirsty...you see what appears to be an oasis...you start drinking from the water..only after a couple of mouthfuls do you realize that you have a mouthful of sand. Just...like...relationships....here in this crappy ass state of Arizona.

This is the edge. I am on it. Will I lose friends after this rant? Probably, but i don't care. That means you weren't my friend in the first place. I am fortunate to have some genuine friends in my life and they will respect me regardless of what I say. I will no longer be a doormat to ANYONE. I will not allow you to wipe your feet on me and then continue on your merry fucking way, let me lay down on a puddle while you continue on. I have feelings to.

Finally, maybe I am just too mature for the women i date. Maybe. For sure I am not like the guy from Swingers, when he met the girl he called her 15 times that first night until she answered. I wish it wasn't all so complicated, and i wish that Mr. Nice guy wasn't dead...but he is gone and he isn't coming back for the foreseeable future. Believe me, I contemplated long and hard before posting this, and this is the second time I have wrote this, so thought has gone into it.

I am leaving tomorrow and maybe a change of scenery is good. This really put me in a pissed off mood and made me think twice about relationships and dating and for the near future, I guess I won't be dating and that is the best thing. My ear is officially closed to being a listening device to other's problems.My only words of advice will be "Either work it out...or leave." My world is closed for accepting new girl-friends, I am more than happy to keep the ones I have and foster those relationships. Cynical lives here now. Sorry...yesterday opened my eyes to a whole new world.

Maybe it's time to leave the crappy state of Arizona for a place where the brains haven't been fried. I have hit the proverbial fork in the road....relationship wise. Leave comments if you'd like. Have a wonderful week.

2011 Note:

I still laugh when I read this. Lethal. some of the comments on Myspace were hilarious.

Life is beautiful

Today’s blog title is brought to you by Vega4. (If you haven't heard the song, it's a very very good one.) Know that I went through like 5 blog titles before I settled on this one and each one nearly brought me to tears...stupid tear ducts... It’s just that it’s hard to really settle on a title for this event...when I really didn’t think it would or possibly could happen. There’s a lyric in there that reminds me of you

"Stand where you are

We let all these moments pass us by" (then a sweet ass guitar riff)

Love you brother.

Hey little brother,

So the other day, I was cleaning up Jordan’s room and I picked up a Ninja Turtle and from the moment I picked it up, it was like a freaking sweet ass flashback, I immediately thought of what I’ve come to know it as over the years….“The Great Battle of 1989.” History books will one day speak of this was where hundreds of innocent Ninja Turtles were slaughtered at the hands of General Marcus and his fast fleet of G.I. Joe’s. It marked the first time in recorded history where Cobra and G.I. Joe became one. But, you being the stubborn person that you are and forever shall be, wouldn’t take defeat graciously and we soon were rolling around on the ground fighting and crushing our toys all at once.

Sadly, it’s that time of the year again where I think of all the things I miss about you. It’s been a particularly tough week. In my year of “365 days of Happiness,” I’ve been a little emotional this week…and rightfully so. It’s just one of those things that I will have to deal with from here until forever. Jordan asked about you a few weeks ago. He said he remembered the time you took him fishing and when he caught a fish, you tried to make him take it off the hook and he was like “Yeah…that’s not going to happen BUT I will help you cut it open.” Jordan often talks about you and remembers you fondly.

So not much has changed in the last year. Jordan is a year older, he’s in 2^nd grade, but he’s really hit his stride humor wise, might be the proudest moment of my life…seriously . Not sure I’ve ever laughed at somebody as much as I laugh at him. I really lucked out when it comes to the kid department. His grades are good; but the one thing I need to work on with him is his messiness. AND Maybe throw him off the trail of asking me for a little brother or sister. But of course…he tells me I need a girlfriend/wife for that. The nerve of THAT kid. He is a gem though. I wouldn't trade him for the world. Although him and I have worked out a scenario "If someone was to offer me a billion dollars for him, I should take it, and then kidnap him back." Perfect scenario. See...he is just like me. He thinks it's a funny and great plan. But will also only do it IF I make him an Iron Man suit afterwards....love that kid to death.

Um…Silas is good as far as I know. I haven’t talked to him in a few months, but I did talk to him on birthday number 4. He’s a TRIP. Mom and Dad…well they are themselves. Michael is good. Astra and the kids are good as well. Oh yeah, they did have a new addition to the family…baby #4, Michael Jr Jr. Yes I tried to explain to Michael that his baby is “The Third” and that Jr. Jr. makes him sound like a ghetto person. But…that’s Michael.

As you know, Last year I went to visit the guy who shot you and subsequently took your life. The “Christian” in me wanted to forgive him, of which I did. I am at peace with everything, but it’s hard. He sent me a letter a few weeks ago, and I have yet to open it. It sits on my desk unopened. I can’t bring myself to open it. Maybe in a few days I’ll get to it….doubt it, but I’ll try.

Me, myself….hmmmm…Well again, not much is changed. Last year I had THE best 30^th birthday party ever. I know you would’ve showed up. It will have to live in my memories and in the pictures. But now…I’m back to the boring life, which for me is more of just sitting at home. Which to me is actually fine, I am focused on other things. It is easy to stay out of trouble that way. I have become a bit of a loner. I don’t go out, I don’t really socialize with many people, and don’t really do much overall. I don’t sleep much at all, some nights if any. Work…sucks. I swear I can’t do this 9-5 stuff the rest of my life. I don’t think that I was meant for this type of work. I am working on an escape plan now. I am really just focused on both Jordan and my future. I got an agent, which is pretty cool. I have all sorts of deadlines and stuff. Hopefully some of those pay off. I am writing a fiction book, which is right up our alley. Just think of all the comic books we read as a kid…. They love the idea of it, and want me to finish that before I move back to screenplays and stuff.

Sorry for venting I guess. It’s just that I miss you and all, and my heart is literally broken and probably will never be fully repaired, and just know that I think of you often. I suppose I should talk to someone about all of this, but ah well. I'll internalize it. I know I know, you hate when I do that. BUT that's an Aquarian trait. I swear not a week goes by someone doesn’t ask me about you or find out for the first time. I feel lost at times, because I can’t pick up the phone and call you, hell I have yet to delete your number from my phone and it's been two years now. I figure a once a year update is good. I hope you don’t mind. I pray for you and hope that all is well and that you get a couple of vacation days. I miss you, and I love you forever. No one will ever replace you or make me forget about you. You’re the best brother a guy could ever hope for. And I’m pretty sure I never got to tell you that, but I do believe that you are…by far. I love you…I miss you. And you’re always with me regardless of what I’m doing.

Forever missing you,

Marcus

P.S. For all of you...don't forget...don't hold a grudge against anyone. You never know when your time may come. Love and live life on your terms. We only get it once...

P.P.S. I'll post an actual blog soon...

I Wonder

Hey All,

Hope the holidays and all the festivities are treating you well!!!! Me…I’m all SHOPPED OUT! Today’s blog title is brought to you by Kanye West. It’s a song I’ve played for a few years now and always had in my backpocket for a blog like today’s.

So with that…here goes…

Ten Things I’m pretty sure I think.

1. I really think that sometimes good things fall apart…so better things can fall together.

2. To the "throwback" lady in the jean jacket, and full length jean skirt that hit me with HER shopping cart and promptly gave me the finger…um…”1985 called, they really….really would like you back.” Plus that perm you had…oh dear. Too easy.

3. As I stated before, been called “Retardedly Optimistic” and now a new one to add to the stable…”Persistently Annoying,” but I think both are pretty damn cool descriptors...and for the record neither were used in a demeaning manor. At least I didn't take them that way.

4. Surprisingly…not watching TV has been one of the better decisions I have made in quite some time. Total pages written since December 1st thru December 17th....347. That's a lot of stuff in 17 days.

5. I love mockumentaries. They are some of the best shows and movies out there. (See Parks and Recreation, The Office, Modern Family, Best In Show, Reno 911, Total Drama Island) just to name a few.

6. In case I haven’t said it lately…Tracy Morgan is one of THE funniest guys on the planet. On 30 Rock, he’s just too damn funny. I could watch him on that show any day of the week. If you can hear me NBC (1^st. Hire me. 2^nd get a Tracy Morgan/Jordan app for the iPhone.)

7. Funniest quote I’ve read this week, not by Tracy Morgan:

a. “So you met her? What was it like to stare into the eye of Satan's butthole?" Ron Swanson…Parks and Recreation (This singlehandedly MIGHT be one of THE greatest quotes of all time. I am still laughing at this. GENIUS Parks and Recreation, and even better execution by the actor who plays Ron Swanson)

b. Same episode…”Everytime she laughs an angel dies” again courtesy of Ron Swanson Parks and Recreation.

8. Chipotle…you are the greatest source of food ever. I love you…so much

9. I need to go and buy new notebooks, and archive the 4 dozen or so that are currently sitting on my desk.

10. A rearview mirror is just that. A way to look back on things from our past. I’ve decided to break my mirror and never look back at anything. History…is history. Always keep moving forward.

The story behind the contract – After years of pursuing writing on my own and trying to get my foot in the door, I decided to do something different, which brings on the term “Persistently Annoying.” Basically…and this might sound bad…I hounded this poor guy and practically begged him to read my sample spec script. Which…he finally did and about an hour after he read it, he called. Wasn’t expecting that. Really I wasn’t. Usually you get the “F” off or the “we are going in another direction” or the ever awesome and classic line of "never contact me again," but he didn’t. He called and asked me to send him something else. Which since I was sitting next to my computer I was able to send it out right away. An Hour later in my e-mail I had an agency contract of which I printed and read about 6 times and then finally signed Wednesday afternoon.

So what does that mean for me?

1. I have an agent! Although my contract doesn’t kick in until 1-1-11. (I wanted to write that…lots of ones)

2. I have deadlines to submit new spec scripts (A spec script is a script based off of an existing show (Grey’s Anatomy, Rescue Me, Community, Parks and Recreation, or any TV show that aired in the 2010-2011 season…only current shows). My spec script was a Grey's Anatomy episode.

3. Any great TV scripts will be pushed up to the respective shows for consideration for production OR a possible job on the staff. Neither is a guarantee to happen. I am currently rewriting my sample based on some recommendations.

4. I will get to write feature movie scripts and then submit them as well, so I am going to rewrite a few that I have.

That’s it. Whatever nonexistent social life I had before will now be spent hunkered over a pen and paper. This is what I’ve wanted since I was 12 and I’ve got my big toe in the door and I need to pry it open and step in.

To the following Artists –

1. Katy Perry 1 and 2

2. Rhianna

3. Fly like a G6 girl

4. Justin Beiber

5. Sarah Bareilles

Please, Please PLEASE Stop making catchy songs!!!!!!!! I can’t get you all out of my head.

Tracy Jordan 30 Rock Quote of the week –

“I’m saying the Disneyfication of New York is over, everyone. At the stroke of midnight, your Lexus is going to turn back into a hot pile of rats fighting over a human finger.” Tracy Jordan.

Things that REALLY make me laugh:

Leroy Jenkins - Best video ever, watch until the end.

Movie of the Week - Um..Tron 3D. Duh. Jordan and I saw it…and I was literally blown away. So freaking awesome. Of course we watched the original Tron a few weeks ago, and he loved it. This movie…might be one of THE best movies of the last year. The visualization. The story. The acting. The effects. Amazing. I mean. Wow. I am pretty sure I’ll see it again a few times. I love that movie. If you have some time….go see it. You will love it. I promise you. I haven’t steered you wrong.

By the way...Daft Punk...you did an AWESOME job on the soundtrack. Well done. Loved every second of that...plus you Cameo'd love it.

The end of the blog is here. I don’t have many plans during my three weeks off. Writing and Christmas stuff, and for sure not giving a damn about work. HA! I hope you all have a great Christmas holiday and that it’s spent with family and friends and all that blah blah. Thanks for reading, keep smiling, and God bless you all!